in Decussation #1

…most times the right word is lost in what is being said. An individual person, (no matter how varied one is) is completely responsible for all they do, and say. Our seas,rivers,and oceans of experiences influence our feelings, especially how we act and feel about/with others.

I had no choice in how, and who I was born to. Some philosophies,religions differ on that…but that is neither here nor there. Of my excessive wants,needs no matter how Gary, and Phyllis treated me…none of it was any of my fault, except for my behaviour. In my moments of acting out: whether it was pulling fire alarms,eating excessively,stealing from stores,being distributive in the classroom, running away,sleeping under bridges,etc. I was responsible for all of that. My childhood behaviour is classic self blame for my parents fighting,hitting each other,getting divorced.

In 1980 at the age of five going on six, I was already in therapy and on meds for almost a year. In retrospect being on meds that early, was a stupid mistake by the Child Guidance Center of Cleveland,Oh. At that early of an age I took responsibility for my parents divorce. I took responsibility for so much that I got kicked out of grade school, and was forced to bus to the east side to a reform school. When I say bused, I don’t mean the yellow bus either. From the ages of 7-8 I took the RTA by myself to school.

In the spring of 2007 I started to hang out with Lisa a friend I had met while I attended Kaplan. We had become initially after I gave her a yellow carnation on Valentine’s Day in 2007-yellow flowers mean friendship, that is what I wanted to engage in. We became fast friends, to the point where I moved into her house in August 2007. She has a daughter who at the the time was just turning 7, & a son who at the time just turned 4. We would sit on the porch, and yell “CAR!” so the kids would get out of the way. I could never imagine any of them taking a bus at 7 or 8! !!

In my youth I was left to myself. All I ever really had was myself. I had a great friend in Mary Lou, but she had her own demons. Yet she always opened the window when I came a knocking. In my beguiled, and distorted view of love I have always felt that if my grandfather wasn’t such an over bearing bastard-I would have married Mary Lou! !! The last time I saw Mary Lou she stopped the Taco Bell I worked at in Parmatown, she said hi-talked about her kid. We hugged, haven’t seen her since.

My thoughts on Mary Lou are nothing but pure fantasy. I had no real concept of what it was to be a family, to have,and give love. I have allowed myself to become Nihl, and pushed myself to exile. There have been who have tried, but I resisted. Still do to a point. I am a lotus flower opening, coming to the realization I have always been a red rose-thorns,petals, and stem…but my roots are many,varied, and scattered! !!

In trying to find the right word, I am never really that lost. I am fully aware. Like my longing for female companionship, BEYOND BEYOND just a mere relationship. I long for it,need it,driven towards…cause i miss Mary Lou,cause I miss those teenage grrrls I hung out when I was 6-8. I was one of them, at least they let me be, even dressed me up. I got sent in the convenience stores and 7/11 to steal beer, and cigarettes. But in at all in those moments, when I was with those teen age grrrls I belonged. They stood up for me when I got bullied, they listen to me,give me hugs,I listen them,we laugh,I wasn’t annoying,they wanted me around. The right words, and word is so far and few between. The individual longs to be wanted,needed by another individual BEYOND BEYOND the confines,allusions,illusions, and war of gender and race. Maybe it’s why I remain a serendipitous Frankenstein, but I just have stopped trying.

Always above all take care of yourself, this moment May be your last…tell someone that you love, that you love them…hug a stranger-make your dreams a reality! !!

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